


A Terribly Confident Leap Forward

by HoltzmannForDays



Category: Ghostbusters, ghostbusters 2016
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Triggers, pretty deep stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-13 19:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9138256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoltzmannForDays/pseuds/HoltzmannForDays
Summary: With that, Dr. Erin Gilbert of particle physics, took a terribly confident leap forward into what she hoped would be the end of all her pain.





	1. Partie un

Evening winds were relentless during October in the Big Apple. The temperatures, frigid. Limbs, consistently numb. Yet, it's beautiful nonetheless. At least Erin Gilbert thinks as much.  
The doctor's wrist watch read 2:30 AM as she stood motionless on the rooftop of the firehouse. Her legs, dangling weightless over the edge of the stained brick ledge.  
It has been five hours since Holtzmann had left for her flight in an exaggerated hurry, throwing all bags of clothing over her shoulder as she went; caring not for the tie she left behind. The tie that was now safely strangled within the tight grip of Erin's fist. The fist that now threatened to release the garment over the edge. Along with the body it was permanently attached to.  
The Ghostbusters weren't good enough for her. If they were, why would she have taken that job offer at CERN so eagerly? Why would she have left without a second thought? Left her work. Her life. Erin.  
Memories faded in and out of the doctor's painful childhood as she questioned whether or not to stay. The years of torment she bore through, the therapy, the tests. The dumpster dumps, toilet plunges, one sided fights in the back alley of her High School. The fights that left her violated and broken; not just physically. The name calling, room locking, dark endless abysses that was her mind.  
What was keeping her here? On this earth?  
Nothing. Not anymore.  
"Gilbert?"  
There was a word spoken behind her- in a tone painfully familiar -but it was muffled. Everything around her was muffled now.  
"Why me? Why is it always me?" She mumbled in no particular order.  
Erin didn't connect with people much, or even socialize with them for that matter. After a while it all seemed nothing if not useless and counterproductive. Years of misery, trauma, and torment will do that to a person. Though with Holtzmann, it was different. Somehow it just was.  
"What's a pretty girl like you doing up here all alone?" Holtzmann could feel the seriousness of the situation in her gut, but she tried her best to keep things light hearted as she lurked closer.  
Erin was certain she'd gone mad now; edging her way impossibly closer to her immediate death.  
"Dammit!" the eccentric scientist swore under her breath as she ran in the other woman's direction.  
"I'm sorry I'm not the person you wanted me to be." With that, Dr. Erin Gilbert of particle physics, took a terribly confident leap forward, into what she hoped would be the end of all her pain.  
A brief glance was taken of the streets below before Erin shut her eyes tightly, bracing for impact.  
She wasn't given the satisfactory though. A strong grip and a painful yank was given to her waist and before she could conceptualize her whereabouts; warm arms encased her whole.  
Disoriented and unsatisfied, Erin Gilbert began crying. Refusing to open her eyes.  
"It's okay, it's alright," Holtzmann whispered through labored breaths, "I'm here".  
Apparently all Erin was physically capable of at that moment was desperately grasping the opening of Holtzmann's trench coat; her knuckles white.  
"Everything's going to be alright, Erin. I promise."  
A pause in which no breaths are taken.  
"Don't make promises you can't keep," came a small wavering voice.  
Holtzmann pressed a kiss to the top of Erin's head, "I would never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wish for this to be continued...please leave a comment (much appreciated), so I know. Otherwise I see no reason to continue with this story.  
> Praise for "I will not write your obituary" By, Nora Cooper.


	2. Deuxième partie

"Don't make promises you can't keep," came a small wavering voice.   
Holtzmann pressed a kiss to the top of Erin's head, "I would never."

~

In that moment, Holtzmann vowed to never again allow Dr. Erin Gilbert of experimental particle physics to get so low. She would do whatever was necessary to keep the woman tightly woven in her arms safe, whether is be from an outside force, or the bounds of her own thoughts.   
Sliding down against the back of the roof’s ledge with Erin in her grasp, Holtzmann wound her whole being around the fragile scientist; wanting to do nothing but encompass the woman in warmth and comfort. She wasn’t used to going so long without a retort or sarcastic comment, but in that moment, Holtzmann knew a smart crack would be cruel. Holtzmann was used the absent dialogue when she was alone as the sun set and night fell, but not with another person. Never in the presence of another person.   
Hearing Erin’s labored breaths cease as soft hesitant ones took their place, the blonde engineer slid her arms under her legs and swiftly picked Erin up off the ground and out of her lap. Holtzmann carried her down the stairs and back into the firehouse where she then laid her gingerly onto the second floor couch. Leaving to search for a blanket, cold fingers wrapped around her wrist, stopping her from previous motions.   
“Stay?” Came a small, hardly audible voice.  
Holtzmann rounded the futon to kneel before Erin, tender hands searching for their much needed pairs. Gently tugging the redhead's hands towards her lips, breathing warm air over them, she offered, “Always.”   
Holtzmann retired her efforts in finding a suitable blanket, and instead discarded her own coat. After a minute or two of awkward maneuvering, Holtzmann had successfully pulled Erin onto herself and wrapped her arms around her acting as the bigger spoon. She wanted nothing but to protect her in this moment, make her feel safe and wanted. Holtzmann was clueless as to the reason Erin had put herself in that position earlier, but it didn’t identify as a pressing matter in that time. The engineer tried her best to push aside her memories prior to herself right now.   
That was a conversation for another day.   
It didn’t take long for exhaustion to seize the physicist, but as for the other doctor; sleep never found her. Instead she found herself memorizing the patterns of Erin’s heartbeat, incase it were to ever stop. 

 

It wasn’t until 2:40 PM that Erin awoke in a cold sweat. She was silent in her movements, crestfallen at the absence of warmth that was once beneath her. Peering drowsily over the couch, her eyes set upon a restless figure threading their fingers through impossibly long blonde hair. Erin had never seen Holtzmann with her hair untamed before this moment. It was a sight that required several minutes to digest. Unfortunately Erin was robbed of the opportunity. A set of equally impossible eyes set themselves on hers with an intensity that was unnerving. Then, as if overruled by deterring thoughts, she went back to anxiously fiddling with her hair.   
Erin meant to sigh, but it came out more as a defeated grunt.  
“I'm going to go hail a cab,” she said with a tone in her voice that was begging for someone to intervene. No one did.  
As her fingers wrapped themselves around the sobering cold metal of a doorknob, a woman relatively smaller than herself was suddenly beside her. Quite close beside her.   
No words were exchanged, and the blonde’s eyes were glued to hers as hers were to the floor underneath their feet.   
Shit. Erin thought as she felt said hands begin to shake ever so slightly as they led her back to the futon.   
“I've been asking myself-” Holtzmann stopped as if to gather her wits about herself, “I've been asking myself why.”  
Erin unthreaded their fingers and covered her face with her sweaty palms in an attempt to hide herself. Her attempt was a failed one. Holtzmann always saw through her facade. But that didn't matter.  
“We don't have to do this,” Erin’s voice was muffled by her hands but she made no movement to unmask herself.   
Soft, yet calloused fingers peeled away the only thing protecting Erin from the weight behind Holtzmann’s eyes. The nuclear engineer was but two inches from her face. Hot breath rolling off her lips, tender hands finding solace, one grasping her thigh - one holding onto her shoulder. Holtzmann was grounding Erin in the only way she knew how.  
“I've been asking myself why,” she repeated with means to finish her prior interrupted thought.  
“I-”  
“Holtz,” she cut in again, “it’s okay. I’m okay.”  
“But you're not Er,” the blonde applied a gentle pressure to Erin’s shoulder, pushing her back into the couch. She could feel the brunette’s eagerness to flee the scene, and wanted her to stay focused. Needed her to be present.  
“Please, just let me-”  
“No Jillian! I’m-”  
“You're not fine!” She screamed uncharacteristically. She jumped from her seated position and pulled at her hair with a grip so strong, Erin fretted she would pull it all out.   
“I will not write your obituary, Erin!”   
The physicist’s frame deflated, “Oh, Holtz-”   
The blonde scientist undressed her with her eyes, daring her to interrupt again.   
“I will not write your obituary. I will write you songs. I can’t write music, but I’ll find Rihanna, and I’ll get her to write you music if it will make you want to dance a little longer. I will write you a body whose veins are electricity because outlets are easier to find than good shrinks, but we will find you a good shrink. I will write you 1-800-273-8255. That’s the suicide hotline; we can call it together.”  
Holtzmann dropped to her knees before Erin, and rested her head on her legs. Looking up at her, she took off her glasses and pulled at Erin’s sweatpants until she had a fist full of fabric in each hand.   
“You won’t leave on good terms with me,  
because I will not forgive you.”  
Tears began to fall off her flushed cheeks, and onto Erin’s lap.   
“And after, I won’t come by to pick up the package of body parts you will have left specifically for me.  
I’ll get a call like ‘Ma’am, what would you have us do with them?’   
And I’ll say, ‘Burn them. Feed them to stray cats. Throw them at school children. Hurl them at the sea. I don’t care. I don’t want them.’  
I don’t want your heart. It’s not yours anymore it’s just a heart now and I already have one.  
I don’t want your lungs, just deflated birthday party balloons that can’t breathe anymore.  
I don’t want a jar of your teeth as a memento.  
I don’t want your ripped off skin, a blanket to wrap myself in when I need to feel like you're still here.  
You won’t be there.  
There’s no blood there, there’s no life there, there’s no you there. I want you.  
And I will write you so many fucking dead friend poems, that people will confuse my tongue with your tombstone and try to plant daisies in my throat before I ever write you an obituary while you’re still fucking here.”

There were no words left. Holtzmann had reached into the alphabet and stole all the letters. Leaving Erin with none. The room deprived of oxygen. The world had spun off its axis. There was nothing left to do.   
Erin was not speechless, but there were no possible combinations of letters or words that could possibly suffice. 

Holtzmann’s ribs were racked with sobs, and Erin was drained of - no she wasn't. She wasn't drained of emotions. She felt too many at the same time to manage. All she could do was sit shellshocked and awestruck with an unraveling Jillian Holtzmann pleading for her to stay.


End file.
